The Ex

I've was in a relationship for 14 years.  It started off great, like most relationships do.  We had stolen moments and secret meetings.  I was worried about what everyone would think, so I kept the relationship a secret.  But it became all-consuming and I just couldn't keep the secret any longer.  I slowly confessed to all of my friends.  I didn't tell my family; they figured it out on their own.  My new beau was cigarettes.

When I first started smoking I thought it made me glamorous, dangerous, and mysterious.  A little bit like this:

 

But anyone who has a brain in their head knows that smoking is NOTHING like that.  It's horrible.  It's disgusting.  It's a death sentence.  So why did I do it?  Addiction, plain and simple.  I had to have that nicotine.  I thought I was the one in control, but I wasn't.

Nicotine addiction is not just a mental addiction.  When a person smokes it alters the chemistry in the brain.  The brain begins to think it needs the nicotine to function.  So about every 30 minutes it sends out a craving.  It will start as a whisper.  A polite "Hey, I know you might be busy, but you should have a cigarette".  If you ignore the polite request and go about your business the brain starts getting a little bit upset.  It might say "I believe I told you we should have a smoke.  Stop whatever it is you're doing smoke".  If that doesn't work the message will become much more urgent.  Something along the lines of "You'd better smoke a cigarette or else." And this is where most people cave, deciding to feed the addiction.

I absolutely hated being an addict.  I would tell everyone around me that I enjoyed smoking.  I would tell them that I would quit when I felt ready.  There was just too much stress, blah blah blah.  Well guess what?  There is ALWAYS going to be stress.  There is never going to be a perfect time to endure the Hell of nicotine withdrawal. And here's a little secret....I didn't really enjoy it.

Earlier this year I decided to stop smoking.  You  notice that I didn't say quit?  That is deliberate word replacement.  Quitting something implies different emotions than stopping something.  So I stopped, cold turkey, and I have (barely) looked back. 

I still think about it.  I still struggle with dealing with my stress in a different way.  But I'm not a smoker anymore.

My Ex

Goodbye cigarettes. You were the worst thing that ever happened to me.

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We All Have To Start Somewhere!

I've started a blog.  It is not my first, but I am determined to make this one stick.  Around the beginning of the year I got this overwhelming urge to change.  I didn't want to change in small ways; I wanted to go BIG. The first step in my changing process was stopping smoking.  As I stopped smoking I noticed how many other things I was unhappy about.  Somewhere along the way I let myself become someone who just didn't care.  I just didn't care about myself.  My health...eh.  My environment...eh.  My community...eh.  I don't know where this complacent attitude came from, but I decided it had to stop.  So I have started this blog to chronicle my journey to change.  I plan on sharing all the ways I'm trying to change.  I hope to share both my wins and failures.   Disclaimer: There will be a LOT of failures.